(How not to make) Kebab-house seekh kebabs

[Peripatetic Phil]

For the benefit of anyone thinking of making Bengali Bob's delicious-looking kebab-house seekh kebabs but lacking the necessary food tenderiser (as I did) and being unwilling to wait for some to be delivered (as I was), please do not try yoghurt as a binder.  I can now assure you, with 100% certainty and zero error bars, that it will not work.  If any living in Cornwall would like to bring their dog round to lick the remains off the kitchen floor, he or she would be most welcome.

** Phil.

[livo]

How did you even start Phil? There is no recipe.

[Peripatetic Phil]

All follow-ups moved to "How to make Kebab-house seekh kebabs".